It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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