Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
