My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
