in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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