Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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