I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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