sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
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I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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