He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your penis caused this!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
