i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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