I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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