dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
