I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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