Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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