Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My dick has a subreddit
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
