My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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