So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
