I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize