your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
