new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Randomize