You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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