it was like his penis was on wheels.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
