she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
