i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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