saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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