She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
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If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
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So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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