see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
