Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
