I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
