Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
