I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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