Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
