Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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