These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
