girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
