I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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