It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
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I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need to align my fucking chakras
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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