Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
