i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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