I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
