Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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