seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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