my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
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Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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