I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
