i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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