Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
