I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
