the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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