You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I cut my penus on the lid.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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