my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
