I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
