My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
