If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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