then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
